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Intimate Partner Violence

Information

Did you know..

Intimate partner violence (IPV), also known as domestic or dating violence, may take various forms but the goal is always the same: abusers seek to control their intimate partners through fear and intimidation.

A large number of domestic violence fatalities occurred after the victim attempted to leave the relationship. The question that is often asked is, "Why doesn't she leave?" Instead, the more appropriate question would be, "Why does he think it is okay to abuse her and what can be done?"

Myth: The victim can always walk away from the relationship.

Truth: Victims usually do not have any place to go where they will be safe from the abuser. Because of the ongoing history of the abusive relationship, the abuser knows all of the victim's options and can follow the victim there. Sometimes it's safer for the victim to stay with the abuser.

Adolescents in Abusive Relationship Are at Risk for Health Problems

Adolescents and adults often do not make the link between dating violence and poor health.

  • 70% of girls and 52% of boys who are abused report an injury from a violent relationship. (Foshee 1996).
  • 8% of boys and 9% of girls have been to an emergency room for an injury received from a dating partner (Foshee 1996).
  • Victims of dating violence are not only at increased risk for injury, they are also more likely to engage in binge drinking, suicide attempts, physical fights, and current sexual activity (CDC 2006).
  • Rates of drug, alcohol, and tobacco use are more than twice as high in girls who report physical or sexual dating violence than in girls who report no violence (Plichta 1996).
  • Dating violence is associated with unhealthy sexual behaviors that can lead to unintended pregnancy, sexually-transmitted diseases, and HIV infections (Silverman et al. 2001).
  • Abusive dating experiences during adolescence may disrupt normal development of self-esteem and body image (Ackard and Neumark-Sztainer 2002).
  • Adolescents in abusive relationships often carry these unhealthy patterns of violence into future relationships (Smith et al. 2003).

Who Is at Risk?

Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels. Domestic violence occurs in both opposite-sex and same-sex relationships and can happen to intimate partners who are married, living together, or dating.

Domestic violence not only affects those who are abused, but also has a substantial effect on family members, friends, co-workers, other witnesses, and the community at large. Children, who grow up witnessing domestic violence, are among those seriously affected by this crime. Frequent exposure to violence in the home not only predisposes children to numerous social and physical problems, but also teaches them that violence is a normal way of life - therefore, increasing their risk of becoming society's next generation of victims and abusers.

Sources: National Domestic Violence Hotline, National Center for Victims of Crime, and WomensLaw.org.

Remind those who need help that they can call 800-799-7233 (TTY 800-787-3224) or visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Behavioral Signs

Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

Consider the questions below. Think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Remember, when one person scares, hurts or continually puts down the other person, it is abuse.

  • Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?
  • Put down your goals and accomplishments?
  • Make you feel like you are incapable of making a good decision?
  • Use intimidation or threats to get you to comply?
  • Tell you that you are or would be nothing without him/her?
  • Treat you roughly—grab, push, pinch, shove, or hit you?
  • Call you several times or show up, to make sure you are where you said you would be?
  • Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying or doing hurtful things?
  • Blame you for how they fell or act?
  • Pressure you sexually for things you don’t want or are not ready for?
  • Make you feel like there is no way out of the relationship?
  • Prevent you from doing things you want to do, like spending time with friends or family?
  • Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to “teach you a lesson”?

Do you...

  • Sometimes feel scared of how your partner may act?
  • Constantly make excuses to others for your partner’s behavior?
  • Believe that you could help your partner change if you could only change something about yourself?
  • Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
  • Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?
  • Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
  • Remain with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

Common Abusive Behaviors

Physical abuse: hitting, slapping, kicking, choking, strangling, pushing, punching, beating

Verbal abuse: constant criticism, humiliating remarks, not responding to what the victim is saying, mocking, name-calling, yelling, swearing, interrupting, changing the subject

Sexual violence: forcing sex on an unwilling partner, demanding sexual acts that the victim does not want to perform

Isolation: making it difficult for the victim to see friends and relatives, monitoring phone calls, reading email, controlling where the victim goes, taking the victim's car keys

Coercion: making the victim feel guilty, pushing the victim into decisions, sulking, manipulating, always insisting on being right, making up impossible "rules" and punishing the victim for breaking them

Harassment: following or stalking, embarrassing the victim in public, constantly checking up on the victim, refusing to leave when asked

Threats & intimidation: threatening to harm the victim, family members and pets; using physical size to intimidate; shouting, keeping weapons & threatening to use them

Destruction of property: destroying furniture, punching walls, throwing things, breaking dishes, destroying victim's personal belongings

Self-destructive: abusing drugs or alcohol, threatening self-harm or suicide, driving recklessly, deliberately doing things that will cause trouble

Behavioral Signs Also May Include

Unrealistic expectations: no matter how hard the partner tries, the abuser is unsatisfied

Blaming others for his/her problems: mistakes are blamed on others

Jealousy: used as a symbol of love

Lying: changes truth or keeps secrets

Hypersensitivity: easily insulted, becomes very angry

Lacks respect for women: believes women to be inferior, stupid; makes derogatory comments about women

“Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde”: explosive behavior and sudden changes in mood

History of abuse: if abusive to the last partner, there is a good chance abuse will continue

Cruelty to animals or children: insensitive to pain & suffering of others

Who Are The Abusers?

Abusers may express remorse and beg for forgiveness with seemingly loving gestures. They may be hard workers and good providers. They are often witty, charming, attractive and intelligent.

Abusers typically have very short fuses and become immediately angry, but abusers are actually not out of control. They choose to respond to a situation violently by making a conscious decision to do so. They are not acting out of anger or reacting to stress. They are not helplessly under the control of drugs and/or alcohol.

What if I hit back? Am I abusive?

Sometimes a survivor of intimate partner violence will react to the abuse by defending him or herself. This does not make this person an abuser because he or she is not trying to set up a system of power and control. Behavior done to protect or defend oneself should be seen as a harm reduction or survival technique, not abuse. The abuser may say, “See, you are just as bad as me.” He or she may point to a particular incident, but what matters is what is going on over time.

Ask yourself: Who is being exploited? Who feels entitled? What is the net effect of the relationship on each person’s life? Am I constantly vigilant to prevent myself (or the children) from being hurt? Have I given up too much to make things work?

Common distorted beliefs about Intimate Partner Violence

I asked for it. No one asks to be hurt. It does not matter what you do, if your partner abuses you, it is wrong.

This is normal in relationships. Even if you grew up in a home with violence and abuse, these are not normal or acceptable behaviors.

I’m the only one dealing with this. Approximately 3 to 4 million women are battered annually. Abuse is not talked about because people often feel ashamed or afraid or do not want to admit that a problem exists.

No one can help me. If you can take the initial step of deciding there is a problem there are many resources available to assist you.

Love and violence/abuse cannot exist within the same relationship. In relationships in which there is intimate partner abuse, the partners also love each other. Most abusers act in a caring, loving manner some of the time. Most victims of abuse love the abuser and hope that the abuse will stop. Typically, over time, the calm, loving periods of the relationship decrease.

“But, Sometimes It Is So Good!”

Sometimes a person in an abusive relationship will say, “I know it’s bad now, but you have no idea how good he (or she) can be.” The person glosses over the violence or threats and speaks about the nice things his or her partner did following the abuse. What they are describing, is the cycle of abuse.

The Cycle of Violence (Walker, 1979) illustrates the manner in which abuse often becomes a pattern within a relationship. This three stage pattern shows how love for one’s partner, hope for an improved relationship without abuse, and fear of retaliation for ending the relationship, keeps the cycle in motion. The length of the cycle may vary, although the violence will always escalate over time.

Stage One: Tension Building
This phase is characterized by the escalation of tension and feeling as if the abused partner is “walking on eggshells” in an effort to keep violence from erupting. During this phase it is not unusual for the couple’s communication to be decreased and impaired such that instead of mutual communication, negotiation and compromise are minimal. As issues are indirectly expressed or unresolved, tension builds. Arguments and criticism increase as well as incidents of relatively minor physical abuse (i.e., pushing). This phase may last anywhere from a week to several years and typically becomes more frequent as the cycle repeats itself. During this stage, however, the abused person knows that it is a matter of time until his/her partner blows up or becomes abusive. He/she will try everything to keep the abuser happy. She may quiet the kids or clean the house. He may come home right away or stay off the computer. He/she will do whatever he/she can to keep the peace and avoid the “blow up stage” or the next stage, violence.

Stage Two: Violence
Following this build up of tension, physical violence often erupts as the abusive partner loses his/her desire or ability to manage his/her anger. The partner will, however, be verbally, physically, sexually or emotionally abusive anyway. Tension is released and the couple feels more “at ease”. The relationship appears to improve. The abusive partner may “learn” that his/her abusive behavior helps to reduce stress and change the behavior of his/her partner. The couple is most likely to seek help following an episode of violence.

Stage Three: Honeymoon/Seduction
This phase is characterized by the positive feelings resulting from the release of tension and the hope that the relationship will change for the better after this “last” violent episode. Following the blow up, the abuser may express regret, issue apologies and do nice things. The abusive partner often promises that s/he will never do it again, makes promises to change and get help, and may pay special attention to his/her partner. At this point, the underlying patterns of control and impaired communication continue until the couple is once again within the tension-building stage. The cycle of abuse repeats itself throughout the relationship. With time, the honeymoon stage may discontinue altogether.

If Your Partner Has Been Violent With You

  • Talk with someone about your experience. Having your partner abuse you is traumatic and it is crucial to have support.
  • Plan for safety
  • You are not alone
  • You are not to blame
  • Keep some of the resources listed under Campus & Community Resources on this site with you
  • Talk with a trusted family member, administrator, dean, or friend about what is happening in your relationship and, if possible, make arrangements to stay with a trusted person when needed.
  • Keep a spare set of keys and some money in a place where you can get to them in a hurry

If You Have Been Violent Toward Your Partner

  • Know that you are not alone. Recent research indicates that 20-30% of college dating relationships have included incidents of verbal and physical abuse.
  • Understand that violence is a learned behavior. Violent, abusive behavior can be changed.
  • Take responsibility for your violent behavior. The first step toward making a change is to acknowledge that there is a problem that needs to be addressed.
  • Seek professional help.

Intimate Partner Violence Prevention

Scientific Information: Risk and Protective Factors

Risk Factors

Risk factors are associated with a greater likelihood of intimate partner violence (IPV) victimization or perpetration. They are contributing factors and may or may not be direct causes. Not everyone who is identified as "at risk" becomes involved in violence.

Some risk factors for IPV victimization and perpetration are the same. In addition, some risk factors for victimization and perpetration are associated with one another; for example, childhood physical or sexual victimization is a risk factor for future IPV perpetration and victimization.

A combination of individual, relational, community and societal factors contribute to the risk of becoming a victim or perpetrator of IPV. Understanding these multilevel factors can help identify various opportunities for prevention.

Risk Factors for Perpetration

Individual Factors

  • Low self-esteem
  • Low income
  • Low academic achievement
  • Young age
  • Aggressive or delinquent behavior as a youth
  • Heavy alcohol and drug use
  • Depression
  • Anger and hostility
  • Antisocial personality traits
  • Borderline personality traits
  • Prior history of being physically abusive
  • Having few friends and being isolated from other people
  • Unemployment
  • Emotional dependence and insecurity
  • Belief in strict gender roles (e.g., male dominance and aggression in relationships)
  • Desire for power and control in relationships
  • Perpetrating psychological aggression
  • Being a victim of physical or psychological abuse (consistently one of the strongest predictors of perpetration)
  • History of experiencing poor parenting as a child
  • History of experiencing physical discipline as a child

Relationship Factors

  • Marital or intimate relationship conflict-fights, tension, and other struggles
  • Marital instability-divorces or separations
  • Frequent breakups, stormy relationships
  • Dominance and control of the relationship by one partner over the other
  • Economic stress
  • Unhealthy family relationships and interactions

Community Factors

  • Poverty and associated factors (e.g., overcrowding)
  • Low social capital-lack of institutions, relationships, and norms that shape a community's social interactions
  • Weak community sanctions against IPV (e.g., unwillingness of neighbors to intervene in situations where they witness violence)
  • Collusion of silence among peers/friends

Societal Factors

  • Traditional gender norms (e.g., women should stay at home, not enter workforce, and be submissive; men support the family and make the decisions)

Additional Resources

Literature Reviews

  • Heise L, Garcia-Moreno C. Violence by intimate partners. In: Krug E, Dahlberg LL, Mercy JA, et al., editors. World report on violence and health. Geneva (Switzerland): World Health Organization; 2002. p. 87-121. PDF*
  • Kantor GK, Jasinski JL. Dynamics and risk factors in partner violence. In: Jasinski JL, Williams LM, editors. Partner violence: a comprehensive review of 20 years of research. Thousand Oaks (CA): Sage; 1998. p. 1-43.
  • Stith, S.M., Smith, D.B., Penn, C., Ward, D., & Tritt, D. (2004). Risk factor analysis for spouse physical maltreatment: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Aggression and Violent Behavior, 10, 65-98.
  • Tjaden P, Thoennes N. Extent, nature, and consequences of intimate partner violence: findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey. Washington (DC): Department of Justice (US); 2000a. Publication No. NCJ 181867. Website

Abusive LGBT Relationships

Intimate Partner Violence is a pattern of behavior used by one person in a relationship to control, intimidate and isolate his or her partner. It is a 24/7 pattern utilized even when things are going well. The abusive person uses a number of tactics (mostly legal) to maintain power over his or her partner. Abuse can be emotional, sexual, physical or spiritual. Abusers who are LGBT may use other people’s homophobia to expand their control.
Learn More from NWNetwork

Myths about LGBT Relationships

Many myths exist about abuse in LGBT relationships. Here are a few:

  • What is happening is not abuse, because abuse only happens between a man and a woman.
  • If there is violence in a same sex relationship, it’s not abuse because it is between equals (or it’s just “mutual abuse”).
  • Only the stronger physical partner can be abusive.
  • If I have physically defended myself, I am guilty of abusing my partner.
  • It is impossible for people who are LGBT to have healthy loving relationships.

Abuse in LGBT Relationships

  • An abusive person often feels entitled.
    He or she feels free to decide things big and small without considering his or her partner. For example, he may feel entitled to not work. She tells her partner how to dress.
  • An abusive person uses ongoing coercion and threats to get what he or she wants.
    For example, he may threaten to kill himself to prevent his partner from leaving. She may force sex, or withhold sex as punishment. She may threaten to out you to your child’s biological parent. He may insult you for being transgender. He may threaten to throw away your hormones. She may coerce you to lose weight or be less butch. She or he may assault you.
  • An abusive person uses intimidation to get their partner to stop or start desired actions.
    For example, she may pout or become angry in order to get her partner to stop seeing her friends or family. He may make life miserable until his partner feels like he has to do things exactly right or face an angry tirade.
  • While the abuser gains rights, the victim is losing freedom.
    His or her world is becoming smaller and smaller.

Understanding Violence in LGTBQ Relationships-For Allies

Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender Statistics

The prevalence of domestic violence among Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender couples is difficult to identify. Reports differ with some saying the rate is equal to the domestic violence in heterosexual relationships.

  • Other reports have identified lesbian domestic violence rates at 11% and Gay domestic violence at 23%.
    Support Network for Battered Women
  • The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs completes an annual study of the problem.
    National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs
  • Gathering data is difficult because people may be unwilling to identify their orientation when seeking help. Sometimes same sex violence is not counted as domestic violence, when reporting authorities may label it as an assault between "roommates."
  • While LGBT battering mirrors heterosexual battering both in type and prevalence, its victims receive fewer legal protections.
  • Same-sex batterers use forms of abuse similar to those of heterosexual batterers. They have an additional weapon in the threat of "outing" their partner to family, friends, employers or community.

Myths and Realities of LGBTQ Domestic Violence

Myth: It really isn't violence when a same-sex couple fights. It's just a lover's quarrel, a fair fight between equals.

Reality: This is based on the false assumption that two people of the same gender have no power differences. It also ignores the fact that in domestic violence relationships it is the choice of one partner to take advantage of her/his power in abusive ways. There is nothing fair about being knocked against a wall, threatened, or enduring endless criticism from an angry lover. Dismissing domestic violence as a lover's quarrel trivializes and excuses violence that is just as real, and dangerous, as any in a heterosexual relationship.

Myth: Domestic violence is more common in straight relationships than it is in same-sex relationships.

Reality: There is no reason whatsoever to assume that lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning (LGBTQ) individuals are less violent than heterosexual men and women. Research on same-sex domestic violence can be difficult, given the fact that many may not be comfortable being open about their relationships, let alone abusive ones. Research that has been done indicates that battering in same-sex relationships is about as common as in heterosexual relationships.

Myth: It is easier for LGBT victims of domestic violence to leave the abusive relationship than it is for heterosexual battered women who are married.

Reality: LGBT couples are as intertwined and involved in each other's lives as are heterosexual couples. There is no evidence that the absence of children makes leaving a violent partner easier, and LGBT couples can have children as well. The invisibility and relatively limited supports available to victims of LGBT domestic violence may compound barriers to leaving. Many LGBT people lack support from their families and communities, and may not be able to rely on them for help. Victims may also be threatened by their batterers with 'outing' if they attempt to leave an abusive relationship, or they may be convinced that potential helpers will be homophobic and unhelpful.

Information on myths from overview: An Abuse, Rape, Domestic Violence Aid and Resource Collection.

Similarities and Differences

In some ways, violence in LGBT relationships resembles violence in heterosexual relationships:

  • Violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, social, or spiritual.
  • The abuse is used to control one's partner.
  • The abused person may feel isolated, terrified, and powerless.
  • Abuse occurs in a cyclical fashion.
  • The victim/survivor may feel as if s/he cannot do anything right.
  • The violence is a choice the abuser makes. They know when and where to behave that way. They can control their anger. For example they do not beat up their boss or minister when they feel upset.
  • Abuse in the home severely impacts children living in the home.
  • Substance abuse can make domestic violence more dangerous.

However, the experience of violence in LGBT relationships differs from the experience of violence in heterosexual relationships:

  • To control the victim, the abuser in the relationship will often threaten to "out" the victim to family members and others. For example, if the victim has children, threatening to tell the other parent that the victim is lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender.
  • The abuser may call into question the genuineness of the victim's sexual orientation or gender identity, heaping additional shame upon him or her.
  • LGBT people who have been abused have much more difficulty finding support.
  • The silence about domestic violence among LGBT people further isolates the victim/survivor as well as the perpetrator.
  • Utilizing existing services may be tantamount to "coming out" which is a major life decision.

Consequences

Intimate Partner Violence: Consequences

Cost to Society

  • Costs of intimate partner violence (IPV) against women in 1995 exceeded an estimated $5.8 billion. These costs included nearly $4.1 billion in the direct costs of medical and mental health care and nearly $1.8 billion in the indirect costs of lost productivity (CDC 2003). This is generally considered an underestimate because the costs associated with the criminal justice system were not included.
  • When updated to 2003 dollars, IPV costs exceeded $8.3 billion, which included $460 million for rape, $6.2 billion for physical assault, $461 million for stalking, and $1.2 billion in the value of lost lives (Max et al. 2004).
  • Victims of severe IPV lose nearly 8 million days of paid work-the equivalent of more than 32,000 full-time jobs-and almost 5.6 million days of household productivity each year (CDC 2003).
  • Women who experience severe aggression by men (e.g., not being allowed to go to work or school, or having their lives or their children's lives threatened) are more likely to have been unemployed in the past, have health problems, and be receiving public assistance (Lloyd and Taluc 1999).

Personal Cost

In general, victims of repeated violence over time experience more serious consequences than victims of one-time incidents (Johnson and Leone 2005). The following list describes some, but not all, of the consequences of IPV.

Physical

In 2005, 329 males and 1181 females were murdered by an intimate partner (Bureau of Justice Statistics 2007).

As many as 42% of women and 20% of men who were physically assaulted since the age 18 sustained injuries during their most recent victimization. Most injuries, such as scratches, bruises, and welts, were minor (Tjaden and Thoennes 2000).

More severe physical consequences of IPV may occur depending on severity and frequency of abuse (Campbell et al. 2002; Heise and Garcia-Moreno 2002; Plichta 2004; Tjaden and Thoennes 2000). These include:

  • Bruises
  • Knife wounds
  • Pelvic pain
  • Headaches
  • Back pain
  • Broken bones
  • Gynecological disorders
  • Pregnancy difficulties like low birth weight babies and perinatal deaths
  • Sexually transmitted diseases including HIV/AIDS
  • Central nervous system disorders
  • Gastrointestinal disorders
  • Heart or circulatory conditions

Children may become injured during IPV incidents between their parents. A large overlap exists between IPV and child maltreatment (Appel and Holden 1998). One study found that children of abused mothers were 57 times more likely to have been harmed because of IPV between their parents, compared with children of non-abused mothers (Parkinson et al. 2001).

Psychological

Physical violence is typically accompanied by emotional or psychological abuse (Tjaden and Thoennes 2000). IPV-whether sexual, physical, or psychological-can lead to various psychological consequences for victims (Bergen 1996; Coker et al. 2002; Heise and Garcia-Moreno 2002; Roberts, Klein, and Fisher 2003):

  • Depression
  • Antisocial behavior
  • Suicidal behavior in females
  • Anxiety
  • Low self-esteem
  • Inability to trust men
  • Fear of intimacy
  • Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder
    • Emotional detachment
    • Sleep disturbances
    • Flashbacks
    • Replaying assault in mind

Social

Victims of IPV sometimes face the following social consequences (Heise and Garcia-Moreno 2002; Plichta 2004):

  • Restricted access to services
  • Strained relationships with health providers and employers
  • Isolation from social networks

Health Behaviors

Women with a history of IPV are more likely to display behaviors that present further health risks (e.g., substance abuse, alcoholism, suicide attempts) than women without a history of IPV.

IPV is associated with a variety of negative health behaviors (Heise and Garcia-Moreno 2002; Plichta 2004; Roberts, Auinger, and Klein 2005; Silverman et al. 2001). Studies show that the more severe the violence, the stronger its relationship to negative health behaviors by victims.

  • Engaging in high-risk sexual behavior
  • Unprotected sex
  • Decreased condom use
  • Early sexual initiation
  • Choosing unhealthy sexual partners
  • Multiple sex partners
  • Trading sex for food, money, or other items
  • Using harmful substances
  • Smoking cigarettes
  • Drinking alcohol
  • Drinking alcohol and driving
  • Illicit drug use
  • Unhealthy diet-related behaviors
  • Fasting
  • Vomiting
  • Abusing diet pills
  • Overeating
  • Overuse of health services

How to Help a Friend

  • Listen
  • Show support
  • Be careful not to blame the victim for the actions of others
  • Be careful not to make judgments
  • Remember that every situation is different
  • Avoid asking questions such as “Why don’t you end the relationship?”
  • Offer resources
  • Allow your friend to make choices about how they want to proceed
  • Find someone you can talk to about the situation